100 days celebration | 백일기념

Baek-il is celebrated on the 100th day after a child’s birth. Long ago in Korea, childhood diseases were common and the survival rate for children was very low. To protect their children, parents refrained from taking the baby outdoors until the 100th day after his or her birth.

It is not until baek-il that the baby was introduced to neighbors, friends and relatives. One of the baek-il’s special events is the parents providing rice cakes, called baekseolgi, to at least 100 people. They believe this event helps to protect the child’s life. They also pray for the child’s continued good health.

—

In general, almost everyone has this cute picture of Baek-Il celebration, normally baby in Han-bok ( Korean traditional custume) with lots of colourful dishes. 

I use to search for my Baek-Il picture and deeply hurt with fact that I didn't have one. My elder brother got one, my sister got one, but I didn’t have one. 

I remember not much things about my childhood, but this, I can never forget, it was the biggest disappointment of my life and even about my sad existence of my life. 

It made me think I might be... picked up under the bridge by strangers who now became my parent..My wild stories keep going on and on and on, but I never was able to ask that question. Most of the time, I was always alone, nobody was around me, I remember I always waiting for my mom on the roof top when I was 5-6, sometimes with my sister, sometimes alone. She comes back late every night. All I remember is dark days and night, endless waiting for love and attention.

Later, I’ve learned that when my mom was pregnant with me, they decided to go for abortion, because they were in a mess, and wanted to be separated, but my Dad, wants to keep, because it might be a boy.

So that’s the story, I don’t even have a Baek-Il picture, because I was a girl. That’s why I failed to putting my parents back together.  

 I was a burden than a hope for them.

Now I am a mom of little baby girl, revisiting my painful memory of my younger days, and often tears coming through my face. I know that wounded little girl is still inside of me, couldn’t grow up and lock herself into little prison.  

Few days ago I remember reading somewhere- what you are saying to your children is going to be their inner voice.- I think that was reason why until now I can’t be able to love myself. There’s little voice telling me I am not worth. It is hard to break that thought, but I think at least now, I am finally let that little girl come out. She is still lost, but I get connected with her from time to time. 

When our little girl turned 100 days old, we decided to celebrate Baek-Il in our own way, no korean rice cake, and colorful sweets but we have so much love welcomed her for being born in this life, and grateful for her healthy 100 days. My heart was filled with so much love, tears.

Having a child is, like receiving another chance to live my life all over again.